Presidential Candidate Selector
Candidate Positions

Stephen Colbert
(Born May 13, 1964) He is conservative pundit on his own cable show, the "Colbert Report". "A lot of people have accused me of being a partisan Republican hack. Not true—I’m an Independent hack."
  • Iraq War Issues: Supported invading Iraq. He supported it even before President George W. Bush suggested it. Agrees with the members of The Project for a New American Century including William Kristol with whom Colbert had this conversation:
    COLBERT: Right, we should have invaded Iraq, you know, then [in the 1990s] you said.
    KRISTOL: We should have, actually.
    COLBERT: Exactly. Source
    "We’ll never lose in Iraq if we never leave Iraq. Source
    "I believe the government that governs best is the government that governs least. And by these standards, we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq." Source
  • Security/liberties: Stephen [Colbert] supports wiretapping so much that he wiretaps every crew member working the Colbert Report. Furthermore, "Colbert Nation Covenant" contains the following clause: "Thus, as proof of my loyalty and trustworthiness I hereby give the Colbert Nation the right to monitor my activities Using a combination of private security personnel and high-tech surveillance equipment Including but not limited to satellite photos, GPS tracking, and a tiny camera embedded in my forehead." Source Source
    "Even Islamic terrorists don't hate America like liberals do. They don't have the energy. If they had that much energy, they'd have indoor plumbing by now." Source
  • Social Security: Opposes social security and retirement. Believes that if old people can bridge they can works as typists. Source
    Interviewed on NBC's Meet The Press by Tim Russert:
    COLBERT: Well, Tim, I, I just don’t understand pensions or Social Security. Why do you get paid after you stop working? That doesn’t make any sense to me.
    RUSSERT: Abolish Social Security?
    COLBERT: Yes.
    RUSSERT: Abolish Medicare?
    MR. COLBERT: Yes.
    RUSSERT: Abolish all pensions?
    COLBERT: Abolish tipping waiters and waitresses because I’ve gotten my food. They get paid by the hour. Why am I giving them extra money? That’s all pensions and Social Security are. It’s a tip at the end of your life. Source
    "We should Source
  • Stem cell research: Upon hearing the news that womb transplants may be possible, including transplanting wombs into men, he suggested that stem cells, "those tiny frozen Americans", could be birthed by male political figures who oppose stem cell research. Source
  • Same sex issues: Interviewed on NBC's Meet The Press by Tim Russert:
    COLBERT: Marriage is the basic building block of society. And if gay men get married, that threatens my marriage immediately because I only got married as a taunt toward gay men because they couldn’t.
    RUSSERT: So it makes you feel insecure.
    COLBERT: Well, I just don’t know else—why I got married other than to rub it in gay people’s faces Source
  • Trade issues: Colbert addressed the South Carolina International Trade Conference, “China’s economy is booming,” and offered, “It’s time we learned about capitalism from these communists.” Source
  • Budget issues: He admires Bush as a "fiscal conservative". "I don't think deficits or debt are anything to worry about." "We grow the economy and by growing the economy we make the [deficit] problem smaller, we'll grow our way out of this.". Source
  • Business & labor issues: He has frequently expressed his admiration for business and corporations and his disdain for labor unions "[Hillary Clinton] said one of her favorite movies is The Wizard of Oz. Well, I re-watched it recently, and I can't believe I never noticed the liberal subtext before. Judy Garland--gay icon--stars as Dorothy, an innocent girl from the Heartland, who gets swept away to a drug-induced fantasy land where's she's greeted by labor activists from the local guild. After she murders a powerful Oz official, she becomes a fugitive, hitting the road with a racially diverse group including a laborer, an animal-rights activist, and a treehugger." Source
  • Tax issues: Following the Democratic victory in the 2006 Midterm Elections, an emotional Colbert lamented: "Tomorrow you're all going to wake up in a brave new world...[w]here tax-and-spend Democrats take all your hard-earned money and use it to buy electric cars for National Public Radio, and teach evolution to illegal immigrants. Oh, and everybody's high! You know what, I've had it! You people don't deserve a Republican majority! I quit!" Source
  • Abortion issues: Opposes To author Ramesh Ponnuru on the title of his book: "[Y]ou've got a catchy little slogan here: The Party of Death: The Democrats, the Media, the Courts, and the Disregard for Human Life. I'm 100% behind you here. Democrats are the Party of Death." Source
  • Capital punishment: Favors it. He believes that the death penalty is deterent, noting that it has stopped him from killing people. "I'm disappointed that my own Catholic Church has decided that capital punishment is wrong. Which is pretty hypocritical if you think about it, because they wouldn't even have a religion if it wasn't for capital punishment." Source
  • Drugs: Opposes drug legalization including medical marijuana: “Your state is one of the few that has a medical marijuana program,” Colbert said to Congressman Rick Larsen, from Washington.
    Larsen: Uh-huh, that’s right.
    Colbert: Are you high right now?
    Larsen: I am not, nor have I ever been.
    Colbert: I didn’t ask that part. You jumped to that pretty quickly. Seems like he doth protest too much. Are you going to tell me you didn’t kill anyone next? ‘I don’t know where the murder weapon is.’ That’s what that sounded like to me.
    Larsen: I can understand what you’re saying.
    Colbert: Can you? Because sometimes it can impair your hearing if you smoke dope. Source
  • Gun control: Opposes. "What's the most absurd thing about gun regulations? Gun registry? 72 hour waiting period? Trigger locks? What part of that is most laughable?" Source
  • Minimum wage: "Subject is minimum wage. I'm against it." "The point is I am here to tell you that your sacrifice will be rewarded because if you keep sacrificing your benefits long enough and if your wages get low enough we'll get those jobs back from China. And let me be the first to say You';re Welcome." Source
  • Health care: Opposes any sort of government funded healthcare. "If we really care for our kids, we should deny them health insurance now to immunize them against expecting it as adults. If we don’t, when they grow up, who knows what other unrealistic things they’re going to expect? You know, if we fund Head Start now, later, they’ll expect education. If we fund school lunches now, later, they’ll expect food." Source
  • Prescription drugs: Opposes any efforts to reduce the profits of the pharmaceutical industry. "That's why it's called the medical business". "It's free market economy." Source
  • Environmental issues: Is supportive of the Bush White House in regards to the environment. ""Everything the president's done in the last six years has been part of his aggressive, yet practical strategy to to reduce greenhouse gas emissions [on screen: Fear Is A Renewable Resource]. Why do you think he okayed his domestic wiretapping program? So agents wouldn't have to waste gas driving around in surveillance vans [on screen: Or Waste Paper on Search Warrants]. The five million RNC e-mails that disappeared during the attorney general firing scandal will now never be printed out, saving thousands of trees [on screen: And Gonzales' job]. ... The president is getting the credit he deserves. He may not be solving global warming entirely ... but thanks to his policies, all over the world, America is getting a much chillier reception. And that's 'The Word'" Source
    "You can't strangle a seabird these days without hearing from the reduce, re-use and recycle brigade! Meanwhile, this New York family, the Beavans are five months into a year long experiment. No toilet paper! No incandescent bulbs! No disposable razors! Planes, trains, automobiles or elevators or shopping for anything new! Its like Gilligan's Island only completely implausible! Source
  • Immigration issues: Suggested "Southsourcing", moving American farms into Mexico which would allow employers to pay farm workers $11 dollars a day instead of $7 an hours. He also recommends relocating American houses, restaraunts, big box stores and jobs and life in general into Mexico. Colbert opines, that would cause would-be illegal immigrants to go to where the jobs are...Mexico. Source
    Colbert quickly dismissed the argument that “immigrants built this country” as outdated. “It’s built now,” he said. “I think we finished in the mid-70s. At this point, it’s a touch-up and repair job.” Source
  • Slavery reparations: A foreign concept to him. He does not see color; people tell him that he's White, so he takes their word for it.
  • Education issues: Favors a tough-love approach to education, but with "“Almost no love. Just tough." Colbert suggested "[W]hy not just bring back child labor? Because, I’ve got to tell you, you give those 10-year-olds a couple of shifts in my textile factory, you know, a couple of fingers missing, they will hit the books hard and achieve. Aren’t we too soft on kids today?” Source
  • Campaign website.